Couples in different processes, times and dialogues.

Relational and Social Constructionist Consortium of Ecuador (IRYSE)

Diego Tapia Figueroa, Ph.D. and Maritza Crespo Balderrama, M.A.

What perhaps was, what is — relatively — and what could be

Relationships signify a process of connections that can last, in the imagination of each couple, a lifetime, a long cycle of time, a medium or short period, and sometimes just a moment.

What prevents a long list of complaints, grievances, and endless resentments from forming? Is the list endless, unilateral, or shared? A list of what is not said, what weighs daily, made invisible, and silenced? What oppresses, and steals freedom and joy, happiness and future? All the complex details and issues inevitably mark this relationship as having an expiration date.

Human relationships, particularly those between couples, are marked, more often than we’d like, by clichés, recurring trivialities, tiresome demands, and unfulfilled expectations. Well, yes, you can love intelligently and you can love foolishly; and, according to the criteria chosen to do so, it will be the project of the couple and life.

Finding yourself involves choosing to see the other person as an interlocutor, a distinct individual who is accepted with respect and love. The full awareness that the relationship, with that other person, is my place, at the same time that it is the place that I open and give to that other person.

Some essential questions for building a meaningful relationship project, knowing that the possibility of choice is one of the main gifts of being with a partner: What do we want, how do we want to live, and what harvest do we expect from that sowing? Is there joy in our life? Is there joy in my partner, in shared life? Is there authentic pleasure and enjoyment, without hurting the other? What would happen if we started to say YES when we really wanted to say YES and to say NO, when we really wanted to say NO, regardless of whether others like it or not, however important and loved they may be? What do we expect from the other and what am I willing to give? What does this relationship bring me that is different? What do I imagine I can bring that is different to build the kind of relationship that I would like to have?

Let each member of the couple commit themselves from their place, assuming this question: What responsibility do I have to contribute — without prejudice, from now on and permanently — to building the relationship that I want, desire, need, and deserve? And to do so with intelligence, respect, joy, responsibility, trust, authenticity, pleasure, creativity, good humor, temperance, solidarity, justice, dignity, critical spirit, ethics, and freedom.

What different life do I want, from this moment on, for myself? How will I build it with those I choose as significant in this new story? How do I contribute to generating consistent and transformative relationships, to build common well-being?

The quality of our conversations speaks of the quality of our life.

As we have stated on other occasions (see: https://iryse.org/breves-perspectivas-subjetivas-sobre-la-necesidad-y-posibilidades-que-se-abren-de-separarse-y-o-divorciarse/): from the relational, social constructionist position, it is argued that the quality of our conversations speaks of the quality of our life. This perspective is fully pragmatic for relationships. The quality of our conversations as a couple, with the couple, undoubtedly speaks to the quality of the relationship that is built with that couple and of the possible future that they will be responsible for creating together.

In therapy for several decades now, we have listened to, learned from, and accompanied multiple couples from different cultures and age groups to be aware of certain issues, such as, for example (see: https://iryse.org/creando-una-relacion-constructive/):

Useful actions to improve the relationship: Preserve couple spaces; share family responsibilities; cultivate a sense of humor; money management; relationship with families of origin; fundamental agreements on the education of children; do not center the couple on the children; intimacy; have your own dreams and support the dreams of your partner.

We also often mention in couples therapy the image-metaphor of a table that stands on these four legs to build consistent couple relationships (and we talk with each member of the couple about the meaning of these four words): a. one leg is trust; b. another leg is freedom; c. another leg is acceptance; d. yet another leg is respect. These four legs support the table on which the relationship, which is joy, is nourished. How are these legs on the table of your relationship, which is your relationship? Which legs are in the process of repair, change, hurt, or broken? Does the table still exist? Is another new table needed, with other legs?

That other being is not my property, nor my extension, nor my parasite (nor am I to be their parasite), nor do I have any right to impose control, ownership, abuse, or violence on them with the excuse of love, desire, etc.; nor to oppress them by delegating the responsibility of taking charge of my deficiencies, emptiness, emotional and relational underdevelopment; nor to force them to fulfill all the advertising paraphernalia of the trite consumption of relationships, sold as ideals of love or joy.

The relationship of a couple will last as long as it is experienced that one walks with the other, with common, close purposes, projects, and horizons; in a commitment based on relational ethics, which generates connections in new and different ways. They expand and enhance the possibilities of shared presents and futures in joint construction.

In the development of each relationship, when it is experienced that the “we” has diminished, been reduced to a minimum, or ceased to exist, when it is proven that we are not walking together toward anywhere, that project of couple and life ends symbolically, experientially, and relationally.

 

In these circumstances and context, postponing separation, postponing divorce, and not wanting to let go of each other’s hand only leads to a slow, sad, and cruel agony, disappointment, surrender of one’s rights, and violation of the rights of the other. What usually follows is that, instead of flourishing with the other — as it could have happened while the relationship had meaning for each one and for both — what arises, due to the fear of losing, and of growing, is the manifestation of the worst in each one. Knowing how to honor the stories of couples that have contributed something or a lot of meaning, and to which we have contributed, also means deciding — in time — to close them, say goodbye, free ourselves from what is already dead, and give freedom to the other being, to continue other paths, with the responsibility and dignity that each one deserves.

Dialogues that create connections

These mysterious places, paths, and horizons of temporary loves, of consequent commitments, of joint projects for possible futures that are continually renewed and updated with creativity, imagination, and consistency—these are the dialogues that create connections. These connections probably give the necessary depth to conversations between interlocutors who, open to the transformation that the presence of the other brings, infuse love in relationships with the fullness of life.

Asking a partner each time, as if it were the first, what they need that is different from oneself, and genuinely and authentically opening up to understand that distinct voice, brings hope and enthusiasm for the joy of being together. And doing so with passion, enthusiasm, and wonder.

The relationship of a couple is the construction of an intelligent, political/poetic relational project; it is a desire that manifests in the encounter and validation of mutual vulnerabilities—a connection that gives transcendence to the mystery itself, founded on trust in the relationship and transformative dialogue.

The relationship between a couple with the potential for new futures is built on responsible and meaningful dialogues that recognize the other as a legitimate other, without seeking, intending, or imposing the colonization of the other’s subjectivity.

Accepting and respecting the otherness of one’s partner means transforming the status quo of conventional desire, critically reflecting on what “should be,” freeing oneself from commonplaces, and generating loving connections. It is a permanent metamorphosis of being that allows us to be with the other in a dialogue that creates new, shared meanings—a curious, creative, open, free, and infinite dialogue.

 

Amor constante, más allá de la muerte

Francisco de Quevedo

 

Cerrar podrá mis ojos la postrera

sombra que me llevare el blanco día,

y podrá desatar esta alma mía

hora a su afán ansioso lisonjera;

 

mas no, de esotra parte, en la ribera,

dejará la memoria, en donde ardía:

nadar sabe mi llama la agua fría,

y perder el respeto a ley severa.

 

Alma a quien todo un dios prisión ha sido,

venas que humor a tanto fuego han dado,

medulas que han gloriosamente ardido,

 

su cuerpo dejará, no su cuidado;

serán ceniza, mas tendrá sentido;

polvo serán, mas polvo enamorado.

 

 

English translation by Bruno Tapia Naranjo.