Couples’ Intimacy (***)

 

Relational and Social Constructionist Consortium of Ecuador (IRYSE)

Maritza Crespo Balderrama, M.A. and Diego Tapia Figueroa, Ph.D.

 

 

Although for many people orgasm is still a taboo, for others it is a creative discovery that invites experimentation.

Talking about sexuality is discussing what makes us human, our personal history, our worldview, and how we connect with others and our significant relational contexts.

Sex is not only a basic human need but also something that permeates our lives, adapts to our circumstances, and transforms as our ways of thinking and acting change.

Orgasm: A Familiar Experience for Men and an Unknown for Women

Orgasm is often recognized as the pinnacle of sexual experience. While it has physiological and anatomical components involving stimulation of the genital organs and electrical discharges in the brain, it undeniably has a high emotional and psychological component that requires trust, satisfaction, and connection with one’s body and that of the other person.

The male orgasm has been extensively studied by scientists, doctors, and psychologists, likely as evidence of the cultural prioritization of the masculine. In contrast, the female orgasm remains not fully understood, with much of its study shaped by prejudice and ignorance.

Orgasm allows the best of humanity to flourish; it opens the door to ecstasy, happiness, and energy. These sensations of joy are centered on the clitoris, which has more than 8,000 nerve endings—double those found in the glans.

Both men and women agree that the brain can transform almost any part of the human body into a constant source of pleasure. Particularly, three natural contexts enhance this connection to pleasure: sex, food, and social relationships.

During the climax, control over body movements is lost. The intense and rapid pleasure leads to a sustained sensation of well-being, acceptance, and joy.

 

The Long-term Health Benefits of Orgasm:

• Release of oxytocin (“the happiness hormone”), dopamine, and endorphins, creating a sense of pleasure and well-being.
• Relaxation and tension reduction, help to combat stress.
• Strengthening of the immune system.
• Improved pelvic floor tone (especially beneficial for women).
• Enhanced blood circulation.
• Calorie burning.
• Keeping the brain healthy.
• Elimination of insomnia and promotion of sleep.
• Improved mood.
• Benefits for heart health.
• Prevention of prostate cancer.
• Natural pain relief.
• Emotional health benefits.
• A sense of well-being and a healthy glow that improves skin.

 

More Orgasms, Longer Life

Orgasm is a way to reconnect with the best of human life, channel vital energy, and expand oneself. It is an opportunity to flourish anew as if it were the first time. A complete exercise of freedom, creativity, and sensations that generate joy, fostering bonds for an authentic existence.

 

Here are some differences between male and female orgasms

Male Orgasms	Female Orgasms
Duration and Intensity
Between 3 and 10 seconds, with spasms no more than 10.	They tend to last longer, up to 20 seconds. The sensation is not limited to the genital area but extends throughout the body.
Frequency
It is more frequent. 75% of men in conducted studies report reaching orgasm.	It is less frequent. Percentages vary between 45% and 48%.
Excitation
Men reach arousal levels faster, enabling them to achieve orgasm more quickly.	Women require more time and pleasurable stimulation to reach optimal levels.
Repetition
Their body requires a “refractory” period to recover strength for another process. Their exhaustion is evident, allowing only one orgasm at a time.	Their body has a greater capacity to “recover” and be ready for another orgasm. Additionally, women can experience multiple orgasms at the same time.
Pleasure
Both men and women experience the same type of pleasure during orgasm, related to brain electrical discharges and the physical tension it involves.	Same as men—experiencing the same type of pleasure during orgasm.
Function
For men, orgasm has both reproductive and pleasurable functions. Some may experience “dry orgasms.” In general, men seek the result of reaching orgasm.	For women, orgasm serves a pleasurable function because it is not required for fertilization. For them, orgasm is a fundamental element for connection, enabling intimacy and relating to levels of trust within the relationship.

 

A Nutrient for a Healthy Sexual Life

Talking about sexual health is not only about caring for our sexual organs but also about living our sexuality in an active, creative, and fulfilling way. This involves unleashing imagination, removing drama, and maintaining a fresh, curious, and joyful perspective.

Living a healthy adult sexual life also means sharing moments of sexual intimacy with another person, free from routines, competition, power struggles, and obligations. It is more of an invitation to express each individual’s being and to create a space for experimentation with imagination, boldness, transparency, and, above all, respect for the other. Playing freely and playing with your partner in a way that brings mutual comfort and enjoyment.

Fantasies are becoming less of a taboo, partly because they have become common in television series and movies, where characters fantasize, and viewers can immerse themselves in these fantasies thanks to storytelling.

But what does a fantasy entail? Why do we have them? Are they normal? Fantasies are mental constructs that we create from daily stimuli, experiences, and sensations. They are connected to our knowledge of our bodies, our perceptions of sex and sexuality, and the sexual development each individual has achieved.

Having a fantasy, and this is important, does not mean it must be acted out. Some research in the field of sexology has indicated that most men want their fantasies to come true, while most women prefer them to remain as mental stimuli that do not materialize.

In general, erotic fantasies can serve as a stimulus during intercourse to enhance pleasure and sensations. They can also be a way to maintain interest and joy in relationships, as long as it is clear that what one person finds entertaining, erotic, or stimulating may feel aggressive, violent, or intimidating to the other.

For a fantasy to have the desired effect, both partners must agree to share it, narrating it within that intimate, complicity-filled space of the relationship. To be experienced positively as a game, it is essential that it remains at the level of a free dream, recounted as a story that stimulates the sexual encounter.

While there are some differences between male and female fantasies, both share the same goal: to enhance pleasure and desire. Certainly, the path to achieving this goal can differ between men and women, as priorities often differ and have distinct nuances. Men’s fantasies often focus on domination and power, whereas women’s are more linked to everyday situations with many details and experiences.

Some of the most common fantasies among men:

• Those related to women’s clothing.
• Experimenting outside of comfortable routines.
• Trying to be creative and allowing vulnerability.

On the other hand, the most common fantasies among women often include:

• Erotic games, playful encounters with spontaneity.
• Taking risks, being creative, and trying new sensations.

It is important to be aware that imagining certain erotic fantasies does not mean there is an obligation to fulfill them or materialize them when they involve third parties. These are fantasies that can be shared exclusively with a partner (with whom there is a pact of sexual exclusivity as a consistent way of protecting the relationship and the shared project). This can happen in a dialogue that generates intimacy with complicity, understanding, openness, and maturity.

Consensus and acceptance from both partners are fundamental. A game achieves its objective when used in contexts of freedom, acceptance, joy, and complicity—not as an imposition or obligation. It is an element that can help enhance pleasure, commitment, and the relationship. It only makes sense if it serves that shared pleasure.

A Relational Perspective to Build Sexual Intimacy Together

Acceptance, recognition, the creation of a sincere bond, and human contact are very important to acknowledge the other person and to ensure they feel safe and confident in the intimate relationship. Touch is its form. It can be verbal or physical, positive or negative, direct or indirect, conditional or unconditional. We can and need to give (and receive) positive stimuli. It is an act of generosity and one of the most honest ways to honor the relationship.

1. We must learn to give touches freely, with vital spontaneity. It is important to become aware of the positive characteristics of those around us and to have a free space for reflection and constructive input.
2. Learn to accept touches. Even if the other person rejects them (perhaps because they do not feel deserving), they can be reaffirmed by making the other person feel comfortable with fine sensitivity that fosters openness and flexibility.
3. We can ask for touches clearly and directly. The value of a touch does not diminish when requested. At the same time, the other person must be given the right to refuse.
4. Each person has the legitimate right to say yes or no to requested or given touches.

(***)

https://www.maxionline.ec/la-intimidad-de-la-pareja/

 

 

English translation by Bruno Tapia Naranjo.