Diego Tapia Figueroa, Ph.D. and Maritza Crespo Balderrama, M.A.
“If we want to protect life on this Earth, we can do so by questioning the current dangerous blindness wherever it is, first and foremost, in ourselves… Everywhere I look I find the commandment to respect parents and nowhere a commandment that compels respect for children.”
(Alice Miller)
October 29, 2021
If there is an experience of opprobrium and violation of the human rights of children and adolescents, it is sexual abuse; where the abused person is treated as an inanimate object, as an unclean thing, as something disposable. To begin, each time, to reflect on sexual abuse is to invite families to learn to distinguish between discourses, experiences, actions, and loving relationships that express mutual respect and care, from those discourses, experiences, actions, and relationships, which mean sexual exploitation, abuse, and criminal violence.
By recovering, and updating, these texts on sexual abuse of children and adolescents (a topic on which we have been working for 30 years), we intend to continue talking about the urgency to treat this issue; it is a priority in the responsibilities to build a culture of good treatment, with relational ethics; and, that we act so that these crimes cease to be covered up, that they do not remain in impunity in order to promote the generation of social, public, cultural policies so that they are not perpetuated and continue to tyrannize the lives of the most vulnerable in society. We learn that we are what they do to us and say, how they educate us, and we are how they treat us. We are what we do and say with others. We are open possibilities in permanent construction.
As part of the professional ethics in therapeutic processes, confidentiality is guaranteed. The stories -sequences or fragments of dialogues- that we share in these articles, were authorized by the people who starred in those stories (“if my story serves other people, share it to give it another meaning, to repair and prevent”); we only put invented names, the rest is what we work with these consultants. We appreciate their spiritual greatness by allowing us to share some of their stories, and we are aware that relational transformation is also about actions and words that signify love; that is, commitment, connection, respect, trust, joy, acceptance, and freedom.
The story of Maria (27 years old, architect), in these brief exchanges:
When Maria enters the therapeutic consultation and over six months, in which she has built a relationship of trust with the therapists and has felt respected and safe, she describes her story as a sum of sorrows, losses, and injustices that have robbed her the desire to live, taking away her joy and making her lose the will to live.
Let us see specific dialogues of moments, which seem to us generative, as examples of this joint construction of possibilities in a process of co-creation of new meanings. In a specific context, the story of Maria; aware that each story is unique, different; beyond the similarities of the human. And, each therapeutic process has its own times and rhythms that must be respected and accompanied responsibly.
Maria –brief example of dialogue in a session in the first month-: The people around me always see me happy, they tell me what they all say to everyone: that they love you, that you are cute, intelligent, and blah blah blah. I don’t believe them at all. I don’t feel anything. Everything seems empty to me. Nothing matters to me.
MCB Therapist: And, Maria, what do you say to yourself? Is there anything you like about yourself now?
Maria: That I am a lie just like everyone else, an imposter. Perhaps, what I like, still, is that at least I realize.
DTF Therapist: If we met in 3 years, and when we talked again, how would you describe the new lifestyle you would like to have: what do you imagine you would tell us, what would be different in favor of you, your needs and rights?
Maria: I don’t know. 3 years is an eternity. I don’t think you guys are interested in talking to me in 3 years. I would have nothing new to tell. It would be the same. Rights? All my life no one has cared to listen to me or respect my rights.
We live in barbarism
Research on the sexual abuse of children and adolescents shows that statistics on this crime tend to increase year after year in Ecuador: 4 out of 10 children are sexually abused. 85% of sexual abusers are in the same home as the victim or are very close to their family. They are usually: father, mother, stepparents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, older brothers, best friends of the family, priests, pastors, teachers, doctors, domestic workers, trusted neighbors, and people with “authority” and power. The odds of sexual abuse double in families with alcoholics or addicts. Victims of sexual abuse are usually male (47%) and female (53%). The age of the abusers is, in greater percentage: from 18 to 25 years (55%) and from 31 years onwards, the rest.
In our therapeutic practice, this terrible statistic is evident. The abusers of many of our consultants have been close relatives (cousins, siblings, fathers, mothers, grandparents) or family friends (neighbors, co-workers of parents, authority and consultation figures such as priests or pastors) or teachers or health professionals (doctors, psychologists, etc.); all, people who are invested with authority, legitimacy, and trust by the family nucleus and by the consultants themselves.
Sexual abuse of minors is defined as the activity aimed at providing sexual pleasure, stimulation, or sexual gratification to an adult, who uses a child for it, taking advantage of his or her position of power.
We also consider that sexual abuse exists when the circumstances of age asymmetry between victim and aggressor occur, which means a difference of approximately five years; also, when there is asymmetry of power since the abuser is the one who controls or has some kind of authority concerning the victim; when the asymmetry of knowledge appears because the abuser is supposed to use his cunning, and when there is asymmetry of gratification. The most common forms of sexual abuse of minors are incest, rape, humiliation, and sexual exploitation.
Some of these behaviors on the part of the aggressors may consist of exhibiting their sexual organs, touching, kissing, or groping minors, obscenely conversing with them, exhibiting pornographic films or photos; photographing minors naked, and inducing them to engage in sexual or erotic activities, etc., all to obtain abusive sexual gratification. In the psychotherapeutic consultation, we have heard our consultants narrate how, even they consider having caused such harassment and abuse, or been part of the abusive plot, accessing “voluntarily” the sexual games that the abuser imposed on them.
Sexual abuse constitutes a criminal violation of a person’s rights and dignity. In sexual abuse, we are not faced with anything that has to do with the sphere of sexuality. Sexuality is a moment of voluntary and pleasant encounter between two people who like each other. Sexual abuse is only a manifestation of force and mistreatment, with which the aggressor tries to prove to himself, or others, his power.
B. Maria, a brief example of dialogue in a session in the second month:
Maria: I cut myself in places that no one can notice, I cut myself to try to feel something. When I cut myself with a knife, I feel calm, pleasure, a momentary peace. Then, as always, comes guilt, and shame.
DTF Therapist: Are they like traces of a meaningful story? Please tell us if you wish, what do some of those scars, footprints, and marks on your body mean; what do they say?
Maria crying: That I want to die.
Therapist MCB: Maria, if the wounded Maria who wants to stop living -which means to die- could advise you something that will serve the Maria who will still be alive, what do you imagine she would say to her?
Maria: Don’t cut yourself anymore.
What hurts is the lack of words, dialogue, and affections.
Many people believe that, because the child does not talk about what happened, he has already forgotten it. It is important to say that sexual abuse is never forgotten. What seems to have been forgotten, is actually “saved” and marks the future life. The trauma of abuse does not irretrievably “harm”; what harms the abused child or adolescent is the lack of words, dialogue, and affection in the daily family treatment. The key lies in connection, affections, solidarity, and these, in the human context.
Neglect, one of the predominant factors for sexual abuse, is the most serious and frequent form of physical, emotional, psychological, and existential abuse. Abuse is protected by the law of silence and neglect, which keep the abuser in impunity and silences the victims.
In the therapeutic consultation, children, adolescents, and adults who talk about sexual abuse that occurred in their childhood, often narrate that they did not say what happened to their parents or close adults because they believed that their words would not be heard: “if they did not listen to me when I had things to say, if there was no time for me, if there was no room for my voice as a child, fewer would they hear my uncle touching me at night entering my room when I was asleep…”
When the “witnesses” also decide to maintain complicit silence, the abusive system is perpetuated and can be broken only when they break the law of silence. We know that a child who is abused or sexually abused can survive without trauma if he is not blamed, if he is accepted as a human being who, like others, deserves respect, protection, legitimacy, trust, sincere affection, and -being child- love, acceptance and unconditional support.
C. Maria -brief example of dialogue in a session in the third month-:
Maria: I started writing the diary you suggested. It helps me to unload myself, put an order in my chaos, and to better understand what I feel and think.
MCB Therapist: Would you please like to read us, share some excerpts of what you have written, or whatever you think and would like to share here?
Maria: Since I sometimes have insomnia, I wrote this: When I sleep, I have horrible nightmares, monstrous nightmares come back. When I’m awake the horrible and monstrous nightmares don’t go away.
DTF Therapist: Maria, I don’t know what you think, perhaps that, by beginning to narrate, to tell their stories by writing them are you beginning to face these monsters, to give them a place; beginning, perhaps, to free oneself starting a process of liberation?
Maria: I do feel relieved. It is strange, I feel even more relieved when I have read you what I wrote.
General prevention guidelines:
To ensure that children acquire security and confidence. Research shows that children who are beaten, abused, humiliated, and disqualified are more likely to be sexually abused. Abuse, lack of dialogue, insults, and punishments diminish security and trust, and then make it more difficult to defend their rights. The children least prone to abuse are those with whom you talk and reflect, those who feel loved, understood, protected, respected, and accepted. If the child feels loved, he will not easily fall to acquaintances who, simulating the affection he needs, abuse him.
Avoid all forms of aggression (pulling hair, hitting, shaking, or talking to them in humiliating ways: “dumb”, “useless”, “brute”, “ignorant”; shouting, insulting). Not to see him or see himself as a passive victim of abuse but as someone whose right has been violated (Convention on the Rights of the Child, UN).
We must talk about their rights daily. Ask and listen without interrupting, criticizing, or judging. Ask to understand and accompany them with love and respect, with relational ethics, in their becoming.
Educate them in respect for the body (“my body is my territory”), for themselves, and for others. Teach children to take care of their bodies. The right limits. Teach modesty. Do not exhibit yourself naked in front of children. Teach to recognize the different types of caresses. Legitimate caresses are chaste (meaning, without erotic charge). Abusive caresses on children and adolescents have an erotic charge; impose the sexual anxiety of the abuser; they break the being of the other, that different other, who deserves respect for his privacy and integrity.
Speak accurately about what sexual abuse is: “No one can touch or kiss your private parts: your mouth, your penis or vulva/vagina, your buttocks, your anus; and no one can ask you to touch or kiss their private parts. No one should sleep in your same bed, or take you to theirs.” It is incestuous to sleep in the same bed with boys or girls, to kiss them on the mouth, to caress them in a non-chaste way, to make promises that confuse them: “we are going to get married; you are my girlfriend or boyfriend; etc.”.
Learn to say NO; to set limits, whomever it is. Teach them that there are secrets that cannot be left as secrets, for example: that someone wants to caress their private parts. Children should know that there are people who love and protect them. Love, respect, and protection amount to treating them as people, as equals, genuinely caring in listening to their voices, and taking them seriously.
Trust their intuition: “If you feel uncomfortable, get out of that place, don’t stay with that person, run.” Reiterate that there are secrets that cannot remain as secrets (when they generate fear, shame, and discomfort).
Children must be explained how sexual abuse can occur; under what conditions and specify to them what sexual abuse is, adding that it is a crime and that it is not acceptable; and that if it has happened, it must be denounced so that it does not remain in impunity (and obviously, urgent therapeutic help should be sought).
If something serious happened, the fundamental thing is to believe the child, validate his or her word; to say to him: “I am going to support you, or we are going to support, to sustain, to protect, to love; we will not leave this crime in impunity.” To say it and to fulfill it, to be consistent with our commitment and responsibility.
Telling the victim of sexual abuse: “You are not guilty, you are not responsible for what happened; you are not to blame; you have been the victim of a cruel, unjust, and inhuman act. The only culprit, the only one responsible is the criminal who abuses you.”
If your intuition tells you there is danger: run and tell the story.
Intuition has been minimized, even ignored, by Western culture, in the prioritization of the rational. The “rational” is based on the so-called “cognitive mind” in which the brain is the machine of thinking, deciding, and acting. However, there is a fundamental part of ourselves, the somatic mind, which we often do not take into account.
The somatic mind is the “mind of our body.” In our body, there are nerve cells that have the function of supporting the proper functioning of our organs. In the stomach, for example, we have about 100 thousand nerve cells, and our heart has about 80 thousand. Like the neurons in our brain, the nerve cells in our body learn; however, learning differs from that of our brain. The learning of our somatic mind is linked to experience, above all, experiences that are intense and involve emotional mobilization.
If the cognitive mind (housed in our brain) manifests itself, especially through words and language (verbal communication), our somatic mind manifests itself from intuition. The somatic mind is the “place” of intuition.
In our therapeutic consultation, we heard men and women narrate that, in certain situations, they felt “things” in their body: “a tightness in the throat”, “a weight in the stomach”, “a turn in the heart”, etc.). Intuition is talking, it’s a warning, it’s trying to communicate.
When it comes to children and adolescents who have been sexually abused, many of them already adults, in the therapeutic processes, maintain that they felt that “something was going to happen to them”, they did not “feel comfortable” or that something told them that they were at risk (their body -their somatic mind- giving signals); however, logic prevailed: obedience to adults, family mandate or learned rationalization, trust in adults or important figures.
Valuing intuition, and supporting children and adolescents to listen to what their somatic mind, through their body, is telling them, is one of the ways to support to prevent situations of sexual abuse; as psychotherapist Alice Miller says, “the body never lies… the body does not forget.”
It is necessary to support children to develop their critical capacities, to learn to discern, to realize, so that they are able to move, in the face of a situation of discomfort, so as not to remain as victims, acting, for example, like this: “I say NO. I escape, I scream, I run to tell someone I trust who can protect me; I have the right to say, to tell my story.”
For their safety, it is necessary to give clear and concrete information to children, on how to prevent sexual abuse and what to do if it has happened, this is as important as teaching them to protect themselves from fire, drugs, or cars when crossing the street. The lack of responsible information, and information based on social myths and the fears of adults, are what frightens and leaves children unprotected.
D. Maria -brief example of dialogue in a session in the fourth month-:
Maria: I get hooked on toxic relationships. I hardly see that it can go beyond the superficial, that we all expect, and be something more intimate, that means a commitment in which I can be vulnerable (as we have talked with you), and I escape immediately. I end up hurting and accumulating arguments to live ugly, self-destructive things.
MCB Therapist: I am amazed at the awareness and clarity with which you understand and explain the contexts of the relationships in which you choose to participate and engage. What if you chose something new, different? What would be the worst thing that could happen?
Maria: I’m scared of uncertainty. I would like to have certainties, even if they are a few. With the ways I’ve learned to relate to what people call love or sex, I know I have a modicum of control. I already know how others work and what I can expect and I have no hope.
DTF Therapist: Would you say it’s a philosophy of life, what you’ve chosen to survive: what it brings to you? What good is it, what meaning do you find in your passionate commitment to this philosophy of life, which seems to lead you -from what you describe to us- to suffering, loss, defeat, or resignation?
Maria -laughing-: Oops. The one who became philosophical is you. I, modestly, want only to be invisible, nothing more; and, stop feeling.
It is basic: that children and adolescents feel authorized by adults to say everything; and what they need is for adults to believe them and fulfill this offer.
Tell them: “You can tell me everything; nothing you tell me is going to scare me or make me angry with you; whatever you tell me, I will never stop loving you, protecting you, and believing you. Nothing you want to tell me will make me abandon or reject you. You are my beloved son or daughter, I accept you as you are, I always believe you, you can trust me and trust that I will take care of you and protect you.”
From the perspectives that we work with (relational constructionism), and that in Ecuadorian society are still new, we care about contributing to and favoring the construction of new narratives, offering conditions of reinterpretation of experiences of sexual abuse. These different conversations promote the construction of a new narrative, inviting us to assume a more reflective and critical stance in relation to violence. This relational posture transforms the relationship between the people involved in the conversation.
Human events only become intelligible after being historied. Through conversations, the life experience and events related to suffering are formed and reformed. Meanings and understandings, constructions and reconstructions of realities and relational beings are created and recreated.
Experiences are actively interpreted and reinterpreted throughout life, and this occurs because some frames of intelligibility that are accessed place the experience in a context, making it possible to attribute new meanings.
Existing research generally demonstrates that interventions that do not provide victims with opportunities for them to express themselves and that are limited to the objective presentation of information about abuse, do not modify the experiences of those involved and do not add new meanings to the process. From these therapeutic perspectives, it is important to avoid the trivialization of these stories to be able to jointly generate respect, affection, tenderness, and understanding, as well as to legitimize the right to free oneself consistently, from oppressive, cruel, and unjust stories, to create new and own dignified stories; trusting in the process of dialogue, in relationships.
E. Maria -brief example of dialogue in a session in the fifth month-:
Maria: I was sexually abused from the age of 5, by 7 men, at different times for 20 years. From a best friend of my parents (who, like beautiful souls, never found out about anything), through a half-brother and a cousin, followed by a teacher, plus a doctor, ended up with two lovers. I have felt dead in life and when I hear that we have to forget and forgive I feel like vomiting and killing those who say that.
It will continue in 15 days…
English translation of Bruno Tapia Naranjo.
