Diego Tapia Figueroa, Ph.D. and Maritza Crespo Balderrama, M.A
“The child is a person, a subject, a human being… The free and responsible word liberates… The problem is what has not been said… You have to respect what is engendered… It takes great maturity to be able to be a father [mother] because it is about being aware that this is not a position of power, but a position of being to give, and we have no right to expect anything in return… Our role is not to wish something for someone but to accompany them so that they can achieve their desire… The worst thing for a child is what remains meaningless, what does not happen to language, what is not said with true words… If a child was not raised in love but fear, he does not learn to love but to defend himself… Only a few individuals who, in their history, manage not to let the child die in them, manage to create something and move things forward by leaps, discoveries, emotions that they bring to society, opening new doors, new windows.”
(Françoise Dolto)
November 12, 2021
Children and adolescents are people, human beings different from their parents. From the moment of their birth (they are others) and that difference should always be respected. What they need from their parents, educators, and adults with whom they relate is love, respect, committed listening, understanding, trust, and acceptance; they need limits that adults embody, limits that contain them, guide them, give security and confidence.
The sexual abuse of children and adolescents is a state of barbarism that must not continue to be ignored, covered up, and made invisible -due to cowardice, hypocrisy, comfort, neglect, or imbecility- and it is a crime that should not continue in impunity. The atmosphere of disqualification towards the child and adolescent by his father, his mother, or the adults with whom he lives, manifests the insensibility of the right of that child or adolescent to be treated as a human being, as a person; to be heard, understood, legitimized, treated with affection and tenderness.
We have an ethical responsibility to do and say differently, with consistency, so that this humiliating reality changes urgently, so that cruel and unjust abuses and violence against the human rights of children and adolescents are not accepted, tolerated, trivialized, or covered up to stop criminal complicity with the perpetrators so that we can jointly build another story in favor of the rights of the most vulnerable beings of society.
Brief examples of fragments of dialogues in several sessions with Juan (born, lives and works in Guayaquil, 35 years old, teacher, lives alone with his elderly parents):
DTF Therapist: Juan, what do you expect from therapy, from this therapeutic process with us? What would be your preferred future?
Juan: that you take me seriously. That the anxiety, anguish, despair, guilt, and feeling miserable and rubbish disappear. That it is not the same as always.
DTF Therapist: What would be different in your life if that “miracle” happened; in which you would notice something different; with whom it would be something new; what new Juan would you like to become?
Juan: I would notice that I would no longer have to pretend that everything is fine, stop lying that I am happy. Maybe I would like to live with a partner and have my own family. And, I would like to be Juan, not an imposter; to no longer feel like the sad clown in the story.
MCB Therapist: Juan, please tell me; having sex with men most of the time, and with women occasionally, does it allow you to find a way out of that anguish that seems to rob you of your peace?
Juan: I feel empty, and I feel guilty. I come from a very religious family, and I myself believe in God. I have not left my faith, although the one who abused me when I was 11 years old was the priest of our parish. By the way, when I accompany my parents to Mass, that priest continues to give Masses and communion to all. “A holy man,” my mom says; and I take a deep breath and look into nothingness.
MCB Therapist: what’s the worst that could happen; what are your biggest fears?
Juan: to allow me to fall in love and not be reciprocal. Let my parents discover my double sex life. That if I tell my parents that I was abused by the priest they admire, they blame me. Get someone pregnant. That if I have children they abuse them too. That I get some sexual disease. To die in a vegetative state. Losing my job. Getting COVID. That I can’t quit my addiction to pornography. Let others murder me. That you get tired of talking to me or speak ill of me without me knowing. I live in fear of living.
Sexual abuse is a traumatic experience. It is useful to remember the characteristics of trauma, mentioned by Gabor Maté:
“When we have wounds, the body has a certain reaction to the wound. If the wound is large enough, it is to grow a scar. The scar is hard and has no nerve endings and is not flexible. That way we can become harder and have fewer feelings.
The Seven Seals of Trauma
1. Trauma is not what happens to you; is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.
2. Trauma results in a disconnection from yourself, your worth, your feelings, your body, other people, and the world.
3. Trauma shapes your worldview, causing constriction.
4. You override your gut feelings, which help you survive, due to trauma.
5. Trauma makes it hard to live in the present.
6. Trauma changes your nervous system.
7. Trauma programs your relationships.
When you think of trauma, it’s not just the bad things that happen to you. It could be the bad things that incur the trauma. It could also be the good things that didn’t happen.”
Reflecting on the violation of the rights of children and adolescents is essential to generate alternatives in favor of their cause. As UNICEF points out: “The scale and gravity of this form of violence against children make the design of public policies that promote prevention, data collection, and identification of victims of sexual abuse highly relevant.”
(Check: https://www.unicef.org/ecuador/proteccion-AbusoSexual_contra_NNyA-2016_(1).pdf)
MCB Therapist: Juan, do you sometimes seem to be very harsh on yourself? What do you need in your relationships, in your communications with other people, especially those who are important in your life, to start treating yourself with compassion which means “feeling with”?
Juan: I’m a perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect. And I try to convey that in my classes, to the students of the school. It’s what my parents taught me. I don’t know how it is done not to judge yourself when you do not do your best when it is not perfect. Did the priest who abused me have compassion for me? I am full of hatred, empty. I don’t know how to have compassion for myself now that I think about it. Sometimes when they look at me with respect and affection, I may feel something akin to compassion for my pain.
DTF Therapist: do you feel that you propose yourself in relationships with others as a victim, as an executioner, as a scapegoat, or as an equal? As a human being with rights and responsibilities?
Juan: to be honest, it depends on who. For example, with certain casual pairs of men, sometimes I like to be the one who pleases and lets go. On the other hand, with certain women I have been with, I realize that I have been even bad. With my students, I try to be demanding but respectful and supportive. With you, sometimes, I do not know how to be, because I have noticed that you accept me as I am and lower my guard and I tell you everything.
DTF Therapist: Juan, you’re right. We accept and respect you. And you are right about the need we humans have to find people we can tell our stories to and care about. What do you think of this, of the need for and importance of being able to speak, to say, to tell the significance of our history?
Juan: exactly. That’s why I like to talk to you. I am telling you my story and as you made me notice, by telling you, I listen to myself in different ways; sometimes, it’s like I’m hearing myself for the first time, and I’m becoming aware of new things.
MCB Therapist: you mention that you would like to build a family project. If you do it in the medium or long term, what would you bring differently, so that your family project is one that gives you genuine and authentic joy, peace, and freedom?
Juan: that´s a difficult question. Because I don’t want to answer the typical; what people expect to be said and what is pure commonplace. I am terrified of having children and that what happened to me will happen to them, that they will be sexually abused, and that I will not be able to protect them. I think I would kill myself if something like that happens. I am afraid that the couple will wear out, whether male or female. I have friends who are either divorced, or have a double life, or their marriages are a pantomime. And, at the same time, I am excited to imagine myself with a family, not continuing alone, to leave my parents’ house. To become an adult at last and to do well.
Social networks: fertile ground to be exposed, vulnerable, and at risk.
The risk that children and adolescents face now also has another space that requires specific preventive actions and processes: virtuality.
These are times of social networks, of virtual communication. It is necessary to explain to children and adolescents (explain by informing, talking, reflecting, and offering arguments), the risks of the internet and the different spaces of expression and socialization it offers: chats, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Tik Tok, etc. the clearer and more direct the message, the better.
For example:
Don’t make personal appointments with “friends” you met in a chat.
Don’t isolate yourself from your relatives or friends by comments from strangers.
Be careful and protect yourself from people who deal with issues such as cults, rites, sex, xenophobia, sexism, racism, violence, and fundamentalism.
Do not give more information than necessary, because it can fall into the hands of people who want to take advantage.
Be careful what you write on the internet, or the photos you put on the networks because there is always the possibility that that information will reach hundreds or thousands of unwanted people.
Talking to strangers puts you at risk of exposing yourself to dangers such as kidnapping, cults, sexual abuse, violence, crimes, drug trafficking, mafia networks of human trafficking, prostitution, and pornography; risk of falling into these criminal networks by giving personal information to unknown individuals.
Do not expose yourself unnecessarily: protect and respect your privacy, your security, your freedom, your integrity, and your dignity.
We must maintain our control over communications over the Internet, we must respect and enforce limits. It is not a question of banning the internet or social networks, but of stimulating in children and young people a reflective and critical spirit, and a responsible attitude for their good use.
Preventing children (children and adolescents) from using the Internet will bring the risk of producing the opposite effect. What counts and matters is the relationship we propose to our children, how we propose ourselves in it, and how we want them to propose; they are the values and principles with which we live daily, the culture of good treatment (which means being open to dialogue) that is our permanent social practice: the dialogue that we have managed to build.
The series will continue in 15 days…
English translation of Bruno Tapia Naranjo.
