Diego Tapia Figueroa, Ph.D. and MaritzaCrespo Balderrama, M.A.
“Freedom is always the freedom of those who think differently.”
(Rosa Luxemburg)
November 26, 2021
A history of barbarism
23 years ago, a young 27-year-old woman and her 5-year-old daughter arrive for therapy.
DTF Therapist: Welcome.
The look on the girl´s face is of discomfort. Because of this feeling, instead of giving the mother to read the Informed Consent about confidentiality and the context of the therapeutic process, I choose to read it aloud for both of them. The lady is then asked to sign it. Including her data, address, and telephone.
DTF Therapist: What do you expect to happen in this conversation, and what would you like to take with you at the end of it, for you and your daughter? Then I’ll ask your daughter.
Maria: I don’t even know where to start. I am from Manabí (province of Ecuador) and I have lived in Quito for 10 years. My daughter is 5 years old, her name is Maria. Her father abandoned us since he found out I got pregnant. I work all day. I leave very early to get to my job in a factory on time, and I come back late too since it is almost dark. My daughter is alone. Until yesterday, some neighbors took care of her and sometimes two brothers of mine who also live in the same neighborhood. I am very ashamed to say this, so much pain and anger. I don’t even know what to do. I feel as if I was in hell, I do not really know what to do, I am desperate (she cries; her daughter looks at her from a distance, fixedly, without saying or doing anything).
DTF Therapist: What do you mean when you say you are desperate; what makes her feel this way? Can you tell me, so that I can understand and see with you what you could do?
María: -With a deep voice and in a rush-. Yesterday afternoon, some neighbors approached me to tell me that they saw that my daughter was on the patio with a dog doing sexual “games”. I talked to my daughter and although at first, she didn’t want to tell me anything, little by little she told me. When I asked her where she learned that, who taught her, she told me that her uncles, a brother of mine -five years older than me- and another brother I have, younger by two years, have sex with her; one in the morning, the other in the afternoon. I began to find out, like crazy; I could not find my brothers and through another neighbor, who said she did not want to get involved but, since I found out, she told me that my brothers have also known how to prostitute and sell my daughter to men from the neighborhood. With that money, my brothers bought drinks and drugs for them, and they also gave them to my daughter.
(She cries deeply, almost choking. The girl looks at her feet dangling from the chair and smiles, as she feels watched). My daughter told me she was scared. She told me she was scared to death. I was afraid because she told me this while laughing –look at her, she is laughing right now-, as if it were a fun game. She told me that my brothers told her that it was a secret between my daughter and them. A secret that she shouldn’t tell anyone, especially me, because I was going to hit her, stop loving her, abandon her, and never see her again.
DTF Therapist: How do you feel listening to what your mom says?
María, daughter: (Speaks softly, almost imperceptibly) Nothing and she laughs looking at her feet floating in the air. She crosses her legs, adjusts her skirt, and looks directly at the therapist, lowering and raising her eyelashes, with an attitude of a “big girl”. (She gives me a feeling of goosebumps, a mixture of compassion and sadness). You could perceive her as if she was alone in the world, deeply alone.
DTF Therapist: Then, if you want, we can listen to what you feel and think about your mother’s distress. Ma’am, there are some urgent health and legal steps you may already know you need to take right away to protect your daughter. They are the next…
María, mother: I asked for permission at my work. This very morning, before coming here, I went with my daughter to have a gynecologist check her out. She has serious infections all over her body, and she´ll start treatment with antibiotics. The Medical Center told me the protocol to follow, with the complaint and all that. Later I have to come back so they can give me some medical papers with which I am going to file a complaint with the Public Prosecutor’s Office tomorrow afternoon.
DTF Therapist: Due to the seriousness of these crimes against your daughter, if you think so, once you have all the papers that have been indicated, come back tomorrow at the time you can -without having to pay for the session- and you can take a letter of this therapy, certifying that you have begun a therapy process and I promise to accompany you in whatever serves to guarantee the protection of your daughter’s integrity. Where are you going to sleep today? Who is your daughter staying with tomorrow? How will you organize your work? Can you ask for support from another relative, neighbor, or friend?
María, mother: I will return to my room. I’m alone. I trusted my brothers and the neighbors. I don’t have anyone else here. My brothers have already escaped, someone must have told them. My daughter scares me, look at her; it seems that she did not feel anything and that nothing will happen. I feel like a living dead. It is awful. Tomorrow I´ll come with my daughter, to go with you to the Prosecutor’s Office.
Maria, daughter: Shall the 3 of us go tomorrow?
DTF Therapist: Yes, we will go with your mother, to guarantee the respect as a human being and the protection of people and the law that you need and deserve. Mrs. María, this is all the information –written on paper- that you should take into account about the institutions and support networks for situations like the ones you are going through; please consider them and if you have any questions, do not hesitate to call at any time to clarify what you require.
The next day they did not come. I repeatedly called the mother’s cell phone and she never answered. I went to the address she had given and they disappeared from there. I looked for them by different means and there was no way to find them. The feeling of impotence and pain for not having been able to contribute to doing something concrete in favor of the rights of this girl, so that these crimes do not go unpunished and there is reparation, was not erased. They have remained a sad, frustrating, and evident experience of the limits of therapy, of how good intentions are not enough to contribute with pragmatic responses to the emergency of a violated life.
Clinical supervision: Due to the deep concern, discomfort, and frustration that this meeting produced in me in which what I imagined was going to happen did not, I decided to begin a process of reparation with the girl, I took this experience the following week to the clinical supervision space with one of the clinical supervisors at the time (John Grimes, Ph.D. from the USA, who was the director of my Master’s thesis). To synthesize, only the feedback received is left. After describing the story, this supervisor told me: “You can see that this story has impacted you, distresses you, and produces internal noise. Who told you that being a therapist is being an omnipotent god, who decides what happens and what doesn’t, what the consultants should or shouldn’t do and say; how they should live; what style of relationships should they accept and nurture? Where does the idea that you must be the savior of humanity come from? You responsibly did what should be done in these situations. You provided the information and procedures for prevention, intervention, and institutional protocols, and the available support networks. You did not join those who have covered up this crime. There are circumstances like these, where life makes us face our human limitations, and humility is required to accept and recognize that, although we have good intentions, we are beings with limits, and that we cannot avoid the pain and suffering of people. A pain to which they also have a right and should not be plundered by the good feelings of the therapists. People’s right to decide must be respected, with their rhythms and times. This mother has already come out of blindness and decided to see. These people and others with whom you will work in the future have known how to live and knew how to live before and after going to therapy with you. What would happen if you trust that they have the resources to face their issues, and they will be able to choose -it is their responsibility- the path they want to take in their lives; a path that is not necessarily the one you would like? It’s called respect and acceptance. The difference we bring is a professional ethic, building congruence in relationships and that we do not want to be one more of those gurus lacking in consistency, people who might be mediocre, ignorant, and superficial, who abuse their power; we are consistent and respectful therapists. This means that as therapists, we also carry out our own therapy processes (every year, at least six sessions in a row, one per week); that we seek to participate permanently in clinical supervision spaces; that we constantly update ourselves professionally. This makes up our professional ethics.
You are aware that the important thing is to not only have good intentions but also to be moved or to remain in the barely initial stage of many therapies; when people experience catharsis, cry or become distressed -rightly, so- that is just the beginning of the process. Unleveled therapists are hooked on symptoms. It is not necessary to stagnate in the content but to do a job with the process, and, to be able, each time, as we have reiterated so much with you, to integrate, from a non-naive hermeneutic: Knowing, Doing, and Being. Now it is up to you to ask yourself about the new learning that this experience brings you, as a human being, and as a professional; it is important to recognize your own vulnerabilities, and limitations and continue contributing with criteria (it is our responsibility in the therapeutic process: to speak with new, reflective, significant questions) a different sense of being with others, of respecting, protecting, loving. Learn to honor this history, this pain, by continuing to work with other people, with consistent professional ethics, trusting in the relational process, and in the right of every human being to decide what they want and what they do not want; what people want differently, and the discerned responsibly that they need to transform; as well as what they choose to take with them for their life, from the conversations with you. Well, welcome to the complex human condition.
Historically, culturally and politically contextualizing the social practices of abuse, mistreatment, and violence, it is essential to reflect on ways to prevent them, generate critical thinking, to seek alternatives and solutions. When sexual abuse occurs, the victim is treated as an inanimate object and the person is not respected or treated as a human being with the right to decide and to be. The dominant discourses of adults have been built based on not believing in the child’s story.
“In the end, everything is structured from the patriarchal system… We have a society based on capitalism, which has made competition a natural interaction, pushes man as a superior being, validates abuse, and turns others into objects. Hierarchy functions in all business, organizational, and political relationships, as well as in personal relationships… the belief that children are the property of their parents, an idea on which the greatest atrocities are committed, such as incest, rape, mistreatment, or the prostitution of one’s daughters… We deny what we are not capable of accepting; however, by denying that, what we do is distance ourselves from the facts, and we dissociate ourselves from them as if they were not with us. We lack the courage to admit two things: the patriarchal culture and the human capacity to cause harm… We need laws, policies, affective-sexual education, and, above all, taking responsibility for the society we are creating, all of us. Let us realize that we are a species that attacks and competes, but also that is capable of respecting, loving, cooperating, and feeling pleasure and empathy.”
https://elpais.com/sociedad/2019/05/01/actualidad/15567092
It is very important to listen -to understand- what someone who has been a victim of this crime has experienced, no matter how horrific it may be. What happens to a child who is a victim of sexual abuse?
Physical, emotional, and relational effects and impacts of sexual abuse:
Wounds, lacerations, oral, genital, anal infections; unexplained discharge or bleeding
Fear, anger, hostility, guilt, shame, and low self-esteem.
Inappropriate sexual conduct (sexual games with dolls, introducing objects into anuses or vaginas, excessive or public masturbation, seductive conduct, requests for sexual stimulation from other adults or children, sexual knowledge inappropriate for their age, etc.).
Uncontrolled conduct and behavior; self-destructive behavior, aggressiveness, and antisocial behavior; isolation.
School problems, running away from home, criminal behavior, cruelty, suicide attempts, constant accidents, self-injurious behavior, self-mutilation; excessive shyness.
Nightmares, excessive difficulty sleeping or waking up.
Eating disorders.
Anxiety, depression, phobias.
The physical, emotional, and relational consequences of sexual abuse are also a way to discover it and act. More effects and consequences that tell us about possible abuses:
Constant problems with authority. Lies. Home leaks. Delinquency. Sexual coercion towards other children. Excessive submission to the adult. Somatic complaints (headaches and abdominal pain). Over Adaptation and Pseudo maturity.
In addition: Irritations or discomfort in the genitals. Constant grooming of the genitals or refusal to do so. Pain when urinating. Frequent genital infections. Fear of being alone or with someone in particular. Depression. Loss of appetite Decreased school performance. Anger or hostility. Inappropriate sexual behavior. Running away from home. Regression to an earlier stage of development. For example, if he already asked to urinate, now he forgets to do so. If he already ate using his hand, now he asks to be fed as a baby in the mouth. Asking to sleep in the same bed with parents, siblings, or other people, if not, getting very distressed, etc.
In adolescents, some of the behaviors and recorded |attitudes are:
Fear of “Speaking” increases. Early pregnancy. Sexually transmitted diseases. Increase in risky behaviors. Alcohol and drug use. Depressive symptoms, sexual promiscuity. Sexual coercion towards other children. Delinquency. Self-injurious behaviors. Suicide attempts and gestures. Excessive sexual inhibition. Dissociative disorders. Anorexia and bulimia. Fear of being alone. Inability to hold the gaze. Frequent fights and disagreements with family members. Memory problems. Frequent and drastic mood swings. Preoccupation with sexual issues or sexual activities. Distrust. Permanent sadness.
How to welcome, contain and protect victims of sexual abuse?
It is a priority to not revictimize people, therefore, and look for a private, safe, and quiet place where dialogue can take place without interruptions. The therapeutic process must respond to the needs of the victim.
Keep the following suggestions in mind (and trust what has worked for you):
Believe what the victim tells you. Children do not invent such things. They have a hard time admitting them and talking about them. Dominant discourses are constructed by silencing the sexual abuse of children. The adult has to listen to understand.
Victims of sexual abuse need an available and understanding adult context (free of prejudice), the creation of a safe, comfortable, and reliable conversation space, which (UNICEF describes) “guarantees their access to assistance services and protects them both from possible reprisals and the process of re-victimization. In all cases, precautions must be taken to protect the child. That protection implies, among other measures, ensuring that it receives immediate containment and attention, and giving intervention to the Justice.”
(*) Of course, being honest, in Ecuadorian society, in this local cultural context, institutions and authorities at all levels of responsibility, in most cases are negligent, corrupt, or unprofessional and contribute to the impunity for these crimes. It is what we can notice, every day, in the TV news, newspapers, and social networks; as well as the evidence of the experiences narrated by all the victims and their families that we have talked with in therapy; other colleagues in the areas of supervision and clinical intervention that we coordinate have also made the same description. There´s a lot of rhetoric, demagoguery, and politically correct speeches from the State, the Government, and the authorities on duty and zero responsible public policies, with authentic relational ethics. How is it that the percentage of complaints about these crimes is so low? Among the main reasons are fear and shame, in addition to the impunity that is evident at a general level.
Never force the child to speak in the family context in front of the adult suspected of abuse, and never confront him/her.
Avoid unnecessary questions. With young children, violent sexual abuse is assumed to be an accident. Avoid unnecessary details that will only make the victim more uncomfortable. In the case of adolescents, questions about the details cause them to revive the violence of the abuse.
Reassure the victim that they are not guilty. Remember that the abuser has gone to great lengths to keep the secret from you, which may include filling the person who was abused with guilt, fear, and shame. The worst thing that can happen to a victim of sexual abuse is to be questioned as if they were the culprit.
Make sure they get medical attention and feel protected. Try to explain that there are people who cause harm and that they must assume their responsibilities. For young children, sexual violence is perceived only as a physical attack. For this reason, take care that your questions address violence or physical harm and not sexual content.
Reassure them that what the adult has done is wrong. That no one should abuse another person and that the aggressor should be legally punished. Explain that this is why the complaint is necessary.
When the victim is not yet old enough to understand what happened, try to get the adult accompanying them to do so and follow the recommended guidelines. Also, explain that sexual abuse is not forgotten and that the victim should speak up and get rid of the emotional weight. You should also know that silence protects the attacker.
Contribute with temperance to generating a transformation of perspectives for their lives, through the deconstruction of all the “logics” and justifications of sexual abuse to build new and different possibilities for the future. For this, the victims of sexual abuse must authorize themselves to question the relational lifestyles with which they have been “educated”, and the punishing, oppressive and cruel ideology with which they are oppressed. That they regain confidence in their resources and strengths and those of their social contexts.
Seek professional psychotherapeutic help and support immediately with professionals who do not cover up these crimes and those responsible, who respect children, who accompany them with relational ethics, working consistently in favor of children’s cause.
The most important thing is to generate a transformation in the subjective position (freeing oneself from the abusive colonization of one’s subjectivity by the criminal who abused), which allows them to leave the position of victim to find an active place, by regaining decision and autonomy and with a new posture to be in life, to be with others.
The fact that therapists are human beings capable of deep listening, with a radical presence, opens up the possibilities for the victims’ words to be honored and to recover their dignity. Finding a place of trust, safety, and legitimacy that allows the horror experienced to be put into words often produces liberating results.
It is necessary and urgent to reflect, create networks, talk, and act. There are useful materials (books, videos, stories, etc.) to help create social awareness, prevention, and repair actions. For example: “Well, when someone does something to you that you don’t like, you have to tell them to stop. And if they don´t stop, then you scream loud until they come to help you. You shouldn’t let them hurt you.”
(http://educagenero.org/RANA/RANA_Estela_Grita_Muy_Fuerte_cuento.pdf)
It is a process of constant resignification, of co-creation of new meanings. In the words of John Shotter (2016): “Let us ask the meaning of a word that interests us, to the person who tells us in that context, because relationships are developing phenomena that cannot be stabilized forever, therefore, the meanings are changing all the time in a person and a relationship.”
From the relational-social constructionist positions, we value the paramount importance of connecting relationally with others through dialogue to give a different meaning to life itself, a life worth living. A permanent, curious, respectful, reflective, and open dialogue with children and adolescents, who can learn to contribute and build a culture of good treatment, which means putting dialogue first.
Sheila McNamee invites us to: “Imagining the future focusing on what we could build together. How would we like to see ourselves in four months? In a year from now? In ten years? Once we engaged in this conversation, we have initiated the possibility of co-creating that future together.”
We are, above all, narrative: we are the story we tell others and ourselves about ourselves. We have the responsibility to give meaning to the present, to resignify the past, and to imagine unprecedented futures.
Authorize us to be able to tell our story in different ways. Being able to be the authors of our history to accept ourselves (“Home is acceptance”, Harlene Anderson). Getting to meet the word of the other. To be respectful interlocutors, open to moving ourselves, to connecting us with diversity.
Describe, narrate and understand stories as rhizomes, because that is how they expand, becoming more complex. Embrace complexity. Build trust and creative and intelligent relationships. Trust in relationships, in the dialogical process. From the relational-social constructionist position with which we work, we seek to understand therapeutic work as a process of creation and generation of futures. In the words of Kenneth Gergen (2021): “Choosing to dialogue with a question about the pleasure of each encounter to make an invitation to tell endless stories”.
We believe that providing confidence for a transformative dialogue, taking responsibility for dialogue with differences, and conversing through questions are necessary for the construction of possible futures, with freedom, joy, creativity, and dignity. What boys, girls, and adolescents need above all is: understanding, love, respect, being heard, having a voice, and acceptance.
We become human by telling stories and listening to stories; we humans live according to the stories we build on the experiences we live; with dialogue, we accept the legitimacy of the other; we are dialogical beings and together we build new social meanings; we are engaged in the construction of different meanings; Dialogue develops critical reflexivity and is creative action in the world to generate, transforming relational contexts, and social well-being.
We conclude, for now (the dialogues are interrupted and then continue, they are infinite).
SUGGESTED BIBLIOGRAPHY
McNamee, Sheila, Ph.D. RESOURCES TO FACILITATE DIFFERENT VISIONS OF THE WORLD-. The TAOS INSTITUT: https://iryse.org/consorcio-relacional-y-socioconstruccionista-del-ecuador-iryse/
Perrone, Reynaldo and Nannini, Martine. Violence and sexual abuse in the family. 2009. Editorial Paiós. Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Tapia Figueroa, Diego, Thesis (2018) for the Ph.D. with the Free University of Brussels (VUB) and the TAOS INSTITUTE.
TRUST, ACCEPTANCE, AND FREEDOM. RELATIONAL INTELLIGENCE WITH CHILDREN
https://iryse.org/series-in-favor-of-the-human-rights-of-children-girls-and-adolescents/
CONTROL OR TRUST WITH CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS? A RELATIONAL DILEMMA
https://iryse.org/series-in-favor-of-the-human-rights-of-children-girls-and-adolescents-2/
EDUCATION: LIMITS AND DIALOGUE
https://iryse.org/series-in-favor-of-the-human-rights-of-children-girls-and-adolescents-3/
Assertive Communication and Appreciative-Generative Dialogues to Contribute to the Consistent Construction of Children and Adolescents
https://iryse.org/series-in-favor-of-the-human-rights-of-children-girls-and-adolescents-4/
English translation of Bruno Tapia Naranjo.
