The importance of saying goodbye to a loved one who passes away.***

Social Constructionist Consortium of Ecuador (IRYSE)

Maritza Crespo Balderrama, MA and Diego Tapia Figueroa, Ph.D.

Death on a pale horse, 1865, by Gustave Doré.

Life cannot be understood without death. Although for many people, talking about it is unnecessary or taboo, the truth is that death accompanies us from the moment we see the light at birth—silently, invisibly, but constantly.

Without a doubt, it is easier to talk (or think) about the death of older people because it is assumed that they have lived what they wanted or could, that time has passed for them, and that it is inevitable. However, when we face the death of a close person, especially if this person is young, death often feels like a slap in the face, something that invades us like a thick tide, making our finitude evident.

In the Western world, where we are pressured to consume objects and experiences, death is rarely a topic of conversation (only when it appears among acquaintances or family), as if time and everyday uncertainty did not exist, as if, by not talking about it or not seeing it, it would not happen.

However, when death comes, for whatever reason or circumstance, it is something that invades, at least for a time, the whole of life—a reality that cannot be escaped.

Death affects us in many ways. Therefore, in this issue, we will propose some ideas on how to face the processes (in plural) of mourning and how to continue with life after having been “visited” by death.

Grief: a path to be followed

If there is something that this fast-paced world has not yet managed to ignore, it is the pain of losing a loved one. Many of the people we work with every day in our therapeutic consultations describe this pain as intense grief or, better yet, as oppression in the body—something physical that sets in and, in many ways, slows everything down, sometimes even distorting it.

Much has been studied about grief from spiritual, cultural, and scientific perspectives; its phases or the milestones that must be reached to overcome the pain have been determined. However, it is important to say that each process is different and each person handles it in their way. Although overcoming the loss that death brings is a journey, each person takes it in their way, in their own time, and often with the help and companionship needed to navigate it.

What is necessary, what we must strive for, is to recognize that the death of a loved one is not just any event or something that happens and is done but implies, in particular ways, a pause in one’s own life that, depending on the specific circumstances, can be prolonged. Therefore, it is essential to begin the path that involves the grieving process—step by step, slowly, taking the time that is required.

Grief is a particular and unique process that will have nuances depending on the circumstances of the death. Experiencing the intrauterine death of a son or daughter is not the same as experiencing, for example, an accident or the loss of a loved one to a crime. Nor will it be the same if one cannot be present at the time of the farewell, for example, if the bereaved is far away (in another part of the world) or if circumstances prevent the farewell from taking place (such as during the COVID-19 pandemic, when many people were unable to say goodbye to their sick relatives).

A journey with necessary stages

The journey that the grieving process involves does not always begin with the death of a loved one. Many times, grieving begins before the death, for example, when a family member or loved one faces a terminal illness. Those who accompany the care process experience the stages of grief in advance, no less painfully.

Generally speaking, people would be expected to go through the grief journey of losing a loved one through several stages that are not always consecutive but are often present:

First stage – denial: This is a feeling of unreality or disbelief in the face of death. In many cases, this stage is reflected as indifference or downplaying the loss, acting as if it were not so important or that nothing had happened—carrying on “as if nothing had happened.”
Second stage – anger: At some point, emotions tend to surface, and anger is usually more evident. Frustration and helplessness in the face of a situation that cannot be changed manifest with aggression and complaints (toward the environment or the person who has died).
Third stage – negotiation: This is the beginning of recognizing the loss as something real and insurmountable and, in many cases, searching for explanations, justifications, or solutions that allow us to process the absence from a rational perspective.
Fourth stage – sadness: Although sadness is a constant part of the grieving process, over time, it is assumed that the loss cannot be repaired and that the absence cannot be filled. Nostalgia, the tendency to isolate oneself, and the loss of interest in daily life can become evident and persist over time. This is the beginning of the recognition that something important has been lost and cannot be recovered.
Fifth stage – acceptance: This is about the gradual recovery, calm, and emotional and rational understanding that death is part of life. It is important to recognize that it is not about “getting over” the absence of the loved one but about learning to live with them for the rest of one’s life.

It is not enough to feel it; you have to say goodbye
All cultures throughout human history have incorporated rituals that help people overcome the loss that comes with the death of someone important. Mortuary rites (wakes, religious rituals, community gatherings, etc.) allow people who are suffering grief to make the loss more real and, at the same time, feel the support and welcome of their community (family and friends). These rites help because the pain is shared.
The ritual marks the beginning of the journey that will be taken alone. However, in our cultures, it starts with the symbolic community “embrace” and the company of others, which translates into energy, strength, and solidarity that will undoubtedly be necessary during the journey. In this way, the farewell is not only real (marked by the absence of the loved one) but also symbolic.

You can always ask for help
Sometimes, the loss is so painful or difficult to process that it is important to consider some of the following signs that professional psychological or therapeutic help may be necessary to overcome the pain caused by death:

The person feels blocked in the grieving process; that is, he or she is not “getting better” over time.
The person “feels nothing” or says he or she feels nothing; there is apathy, indifference over time, or avoidance.
After some time has passed, there is still an overflow of emotions (intense sorrow, intense anger, or frustration) that is evident to those around them.
An inability to continue with one’s own life without someone´s loved one.
After some time, difficulty accepting the reality of the loved one’s death.
Unprocessed, unworked, and unaccepted losses take a toll of varying severity, which should not be trivialized or ignored; they create a constant noise in our daily existence and our relationships with others.
The only human certainty is the awareness of one’s finitude, the knowledge that we will all stop living, that we will die—that this human journey is ephemeral. Hence, each moment is unique and final.
When the deceased has had a purpose in life, when they have left a significant mark on their relational contexts, when they chose to contribute with love and be loved, then their death leaves a transcendent legacy in others, which generates hope and makes saying goodbye to that loved one a humanizing and transformative process for everyone.