The incessant, free, and serene journeys to be with others.

Relational and Social Constructionist Consortium of Ecuador (IRYSE)

Diego Tapia Figueroa, Ph.D. and Maritza Crespo Balderrama, M.A.

Authenticity

Conversing in therapy, in this work of processes of relationally weaving new possibilities, dialoguing with a client, we ask him/her how he/she notices, what he/she notices when he/she is authentic. And, after his response, we asked him what makes the difference between his feeling and being authentic and not feeling or being authentic.

From there, an enriching dialogue unfolded about what he considered new in these reflections, for example, he stated:

“I feel free to be authentic here because I can use my own words, my language, and talk about myself freely without fearing that they will judge me or reject me or make me feel uncomfortable.

I mean that, in other therapies, with other therapists that I have been with at different times or stages of my life, and even in other countries in which I have lived, I was a little embarrassed because I perceived that sometimes they did not understand abstract concepts; they lacked readings not only in the field of their supposed expertise, but also in literature, philosophy, art, which are topics that interest me, and the readings they had were mediocre, superficial, banal; to put it briefly, they lacked culture.

Psychologists or therapists who thought that giving me advice or recipes was what I needed and were sure that I didn’t realize that they were condescending to me. To be honest, there was no respect, neither on their part for me nor on my part with them.

Coherence and/or consistency

The next part of the dialogue led us to reflect on what it means to be coherent, whether it is a merit or an expression of intellectual and human subalternity. If it ends up legitimizing the imposed coherence of the “ought to be”, functional to the power in power. What happens if you permit yourself to not be consistent 24 hours a day, Monday through Sunday, in every context and relationship? What servitudes does coherence impose on you? How does the dogma of obligation differ from this essentialist and modernist discourse “to always be the same; never change” about how important it is, what is it, to be consistent?

Coherence can be an ideological practice that colonizes subjectivities, which is a training and domestication in reductionist stereotypes and the comforts of certainties, the few lights of the commonplace, which makes relationships a place of mutual commercial pettiness; a stalemate of resignations.

It seems to us that to create connections you have to be consistent. That said, the challenge is whether these connections generate transformations in relational contexts, in terms of a certain curiosity, some freedom, a probable even momentary joy, but not exceptional.

Another consultant stated: “There is a lot of cheap and silly self-help talk in therapies and on social networks. It seems that everyone has discovered that they have a vocation as a spiritual guide, as a savior of others, as a guru, or as a wise man of nonsense.

They make me feel ashamed because they do nothing more than repeat the 4 “truths” of Perogrullo, the most basic and full of commonplaces that any taxi driver recites to you without you wanting to hear him. And, I am increasingly lazy having to listen to the same prejudices of my relatives from the mouths of so-called professionals, who I also have to pay, and I feel that I waste my time and my money.

I know what I want and what I don’t want; what I hope for and what is difficult to find is a space to be heard and, if lucky, understood; a professional who knows how to converse in correct Spanish and who does not tell me the obvious or the banalities that I mentioned at the beginning, which I have encountered in several therapies.

Oh, and a professional who does not want to demonstrate to me his omnipotence, his supposed theoretical, technical, strategic superiority. Or, to make me pay, someone who invents diagnoses, that has me “living” in his office. Or, flatter me with a false and vulgar “empathy.” Or, who wants to compete, or engage in a power struggle of who is more intelligent or cultured or whatever .”

To this person, we ask, with respect: Is there someone who loves you and is there someone you love; And, how do you notice it? What do you imagine you can contribute differently to build the style of relationships you would like to build?

Are there possibilities to commit ourselves to hope?

Is it or will it be an individual commitment, to an idealized self that is hyper-competitive and focused on economic success as the panacea for purchasable, consumable and disposable happiness?

Is it and will it be a pragmatic commitment of a community with ideas and practices of joint construction of common well-being?

Complexity and uncertainty challenge us in a continuum of searches for meanings, not only new meanings or different meanings but also for purposes, for projects, for traces with a minimum of transcendence (without the impoverishing mystical whims) in the quality of the dialogues, of the conversations, therefore, of the quality of life, of connections, that we build.

Another client asked himself: ” Can I let go and go through so many worries, crises, and doubts and begin to see and relate differently, in a simple way, with a lighter lifestyle, without thinking so much and wearing myself out, without  questioning myself all the time, everything?”

We don’t know if it will be possible, and we ask without rhetoric: what do you want to do with your wounds, your voids, your losses? What do you want to do differently for what you need now, to contribute to the life you would like to build for your new tomorrow? How do you want to be with others in those new relational contexts that you say you want? How can you create collaborative connections for what you would like? What story or stories do you choose and decide to start writing and starring in them? What new stories do you want to tell us?

The world is amazing

Jointly generate curiosity, creativity, dialogue, critical reflection, authenticity, openness, desire to learn, consistency, and co-building connections with others, which weave and interweave transformative dialogues, and desirable futures.

The world is amazing and needs our constant fine sensitivity to understand it by contextualizing the stories; of the right to connect with pleasure and joy; of our confidence in the dialogue process; of hope in the relationships and bonds with which we commit ourselves with dignity; and, of projects with relational ethics to transform all cruel, unfair, oppressive relationships.

We can decide to be able to travel with a compass, to travel for the amazement that is articulated with the significant questions that are generated in the encounter with otherness; celebrate the intelligent differences that help build acceptance; embrace tentative responses in permanent metamorphosis; generate conversations that produce freedom; embody/sharing the moments of joy that open the possibilities of being responsible with others and free with others.

English translation by Bruno Tapia Naranjo.